Heath Ledger: Why So Serious? A Legends Sendoff

Heath Ledger actually holds a pretty special place in my heart. Not because like Jake Gyllenhaal I was railed out in a tent by him in secrecy for twenty years, but probably because my freshman year me and one of my roommates legitimately watched The Dark Knight every night an entire semester. I shit you not I completely get how Heath Ledger went crazy being the Joker because I started to feel batshit just by watching him go insane playing the joker. All that being said, its a shame this guy died so young and I felt it appropriate to discuss the good the bad and the homosexual of Heath's career.

And Here....We...Go.....

Best Movie- Tie between The Dark Knight and The Patriot

Now look I know I just told you that I watched TDK about 100 times one semester but that doesn't take away from the fact that The Patriot is one badass movie. Not only do you get to see a arguable breakout role from Ledger, but Mel Gibson and like 8 rednecks pretty much take down the entire British army. I seriously think that when Mel kills a guy in a movie he is actually murdering that guy in real life. So much raw anger that he just unloads on innocent extras in his movies. When a man signs up for a Mel Gibson film he puts his life in peril Anyway, even though Ledgers performance was easily better in TDK I felt obligated to pay homage to The Patriot, especially with the Fourth coming in hot.

Seriously has anyone made more of a career off of being a deush than the guy who plays Lucius Malfoy and Colonel Tavington?

Best Performance- Upset Alert Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain

I know if anyone actually reads this shit I'd get heat for this, but hear me out. I absolutely loved Heath's performance as The Joker, BUT, I gotta be honest his performance as an angry and confused cowboy really made that movie for me. In a movie where you otherwise get to see raunchy gay sex, seeing an incredible acting performance really helps to make you forget about that. Like alright imagine the acting was horrible in that film? It would just be two guys banging in secrecy for 2 and a half hours. I would watch a Tom Cruise documentary if I was interested in that.

You guys def thought I was throwing something gay on here. Just enjoy Jake Gyllenhaal as bubble boy.(terrible film)

Most Underrated Movie- Lords of Dogtown

This movie is a solid flick, but everyone can agree Heaths performance as drunken skating revolutionary Skip Engbloom is spot on according to Engblooms filthy hippy friends. I feel like that's gotta be a sweet role to take on. Yeah Heath we need you to move to California smoke weed and be a drunken guy who likes to surf. Sign me up. But seriously anyone who hasn't seen this movie or his performance in it needs to check it out. Even if you dont like skating or surfing you wont get a better taste of the California lifestyle in the 70's without watching this.

We're so punk rock that we climb fences. Hang loose bro

Seth Rogen & James Franco May Be the Reason Why Kim Jong-un Bombs the Shit Out of This Country, and I'm Completely ok With That

Its well documented that Seth Rogen and James Franco are best friends.  Their bromance started while working together on the show Freaks And Geeks in 1999.  Since than they have appeared in many movies together, usually stoned as balls at one point or another in each of them.  Whether they're running away from asshole drug dealers (Pineapple Express), or trying to survive the apocalypse (This Is The End), they always bring their A-Game as a team. In my opinion they give Brangelina a run for their money as the top power couple of Hollywood.  These two rascals are in the news recently for their new project "The Interview".

Their new movie "The Interview" (trailer is here) is scheduled to be released October 10th, 2014 and I for one am fucking amped to see it, but I'll tell you one person who isn't.  That psychopathic, triple chinned, weird haired, sack of shit Kim Jong-un.  Now I get he was born into this shit because your dad Kim Jong-il was a prick too, but you don't have to be a communist bastard like the rest of the slanty eyed fucks before you. He has threatened to bomb the US if this movie gets released because "making and releasing a film that portrays an attack on our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated". So what's this guys deal? The movie portrays Seth and James being sent over to North Korea to kill Kim Jong-un.  First things first, other than maybe The Rock and Mark Wahlberg, I feel the most confident in this tandem to get the job done. But on the slim chance he grows a pair of balls and attacks this country, North Korea will get blown off the face of the earth.  And if I do die from one of their missiles, it would be a pretty cool way to go out.  I mean, the reason you died is because of Seth Rogen and James Franco, who can say that? Pretty cool way to head to heaven (just kidding, I'll be heading straight to hell).  

But in reality, Kim Jong-un needs to grow the fuck up already and stop acting like a cunt. Sorry your country sucks.  I just hope Dennis Rodman can talk him out of doing anything too radical once this movie gets released and makes a gagillion dollars... Nevermind, were screwed if Dennis Rodman is our only hope.

Andy Dufresne Who Crawled Through A River of Shit And Came Out Clean On The Other Side

               Twenty years ago, shortly after my first birthday a movie was released that would later go on to become one of the best movies of all time: "The Shawshank Redemption." Now mind you this film did not win best picture but I will argue to the bitter end that it certainly deserved it. The Shank as I like to call it lost to Forrest Gump, don't get me wrong Forrest Gump is a fantastic movie and a great cast but that too can be said for The Shank. Director Frank Darabont's vision provided for captivating adaption on Steven Kings story titled Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption.

               The Shawshank Redemption isn't just a movie about a prison escape, but on the true bond of friendship. Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) And Ellis Boyd Redding (Morgan Freeman) meet at Shawshank prison and right away hit it off. Dufresne was sent to prison after being convicted of killing his wife and the person she was cheating on him with. Red as he was nicknamed considered himself as the only guilty man in Shawshank as it was an ongoing joke between the other inmates on how no one who is actually in the prison is "guilty". As the movie progresses you have you usual conflicts and problems but the bond between Andy and Red continues to grow strong.

            The tipping point in the movie happens when a new inmate arrives at Shawshank prison. A younger man Tommy is sentenced to prison for breaking and entering, he's been in and out of prison for all his life he tell the guys. During one of his stints elsewhere his cell mate told him a story on two people that he killed, leading to the truth on what really happened to Andy's wife proving his complete innocence.

           After hearing the story told by Tommy Dufresne approaches the hard ass warden, Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) since Dufresne being a successful banker before being sent to prison helps the Warden with his various financial ventures immediately disregards his claims tho his innocence. For Dufresne's outburst Warden Norton has him sent to solitary confinement for quite a long stint. After his time in the hole as they call it Andy had a conversation with Red that in my opinion is one of the best parts in the movie, yielding us with one of the greatest lines in movie history..."Get busy living or get busy dying".
 
            That night after the iconic conversation and choice was made by Andy, a choice that would liberate him from the institution that took away nearly twenty years of his life. Once again he was a free man, a man on his way to Mexico to start new life, a life of freedom.

             Now going back to my claims against Forrest Gump...Forrest Gump without question did deserve the nomination for best picture, a feel good story, a story that covers significant parts in history and how a mans life is intertwined within some of Americas biggest events. It also is a very emotional film. But to me Gump forced you to be emotional with how things played out as the film ran it's course. Comparing that to Shawshank, which delivers an emotional connection you cant fight or even given the choice to fight it, emotion that overwhelms you, overwhelms you right to the very  end due to the fact you connect so strongly with the characters and root for them the entire time, and when that final scene happens all you can do is smile and think back on all the events these two men have been through together and to see them have that chance to reunite and pickup right where they left off just makes the movie worthwhile in itself.

Magnum Rating: 9.8/10 (Damn Near Perfect)

The Truth About Indian Movies

Now here's the problem with America today. The majority consists of two different types of people when it comes to foreign films and I'm here to shed some light on the subject. In this case I'll be discussing Indian films.

First you have the racists, who refuse to watch movies such as "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Life of Pi" because their patriotism is so over the top that they almost make me want to jump ship and start over new in some shitty foreign land where starvation is the worst of my problems. Now don't get me wrong here. I love America, and there's no two ways about that. But when certain people refuse to watch Oscar winning films because it consists solely of curry munchers that's where I have a problem.

Almost worse then the racists are the overcompensaters. These are the people who realize racism is a problem in America, and therefore want to hand the world to minorities to a prove a point. No, you're not any better than the racists, you're still a cunt. Arguing that a solid Indian film is the best fucking movie ever created is a travesty. We need to find a middle ground.

Now I'm not going to argue I'm an expert. To be honest here I think Slumdog Millionaire and Life of Pi are the only two Indian, perhaps even the only two foreign films I've ever seen. So I'll review them.


Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Best Picture Winner

Very good movie. Well put together, only complaint is I wanted to see the kid answer a few more questions on who wants to be a millionaire. Whatever, not really a big deal. Freida Pinto is gorgeous as well which is a plus but she is so far out of Jamal's league it hurts to watch. I mean this chick is hitting balls out of the park while Jamal is sitting in right field picking daisy's begging his dad to let him quit and join the ballet. No way this movie is better than The Dark Knight though, which also came out in 2008. Overall rank 8.7/10

Pinto Pics: 1 2 3


Life of Pi (2012)


Call me a terrorist, but I enjoyed this movie more than Argo. I wouldn't say it's better than Argo, but maybe the kid in me loved all the cool colors, flying fish, and all the other wacky shit Life of Pi had to offer. I mean come on, a man eating island? What the fuck is that shit. How can I not be interested? Also I'm a sucker for a good twist ending.

No hot girls in the movie, kinda weak. Overall rank 8/10

I'd recommend both movies, both solid, both good. Oh, I have seen another Indian movie: The Kite Runner. The only thing I remember from that movie is a little kid getting ass raped and I don't know how I feel about that.

Kurt Cobain Was Supposed To Be In Pulp Fiction. Tarantino Narrowly Avoids A Catastrophic Disaster

A recent report was circling the internet saying that in Pulp Fiction the guy who sells John Travolta (Vincent Vega) heroin was supposed to be cast by none other than the King of Grunge and the role model of all angst ridden emos Kurt Cobain. Although now looking back everyone is probably thinking wow that would've been bananas! I'm here to actually tell you that this could have torpedoed the movie and pushed an already deeply disturbed man in Quentin Tarantino over the edge.

• For one thing, how about the balls on Tarantino deciding that it would be a good idea to ask one of the most famous heroin addicts in history if he wants to be a heroin dealer in his movie? This is honestly like if the director of Schindler's list asked Adolf Hitler if he would be interested in being in the movie.  Hey Kurt I hear your heroin addiction is crippling your life and destroying your family! Wanna play a heroin dealer in my movie? Then again I don't know if I should question the mental wellness of a guy who poses for pictures like these
  
  

Remember Pigeonman from Hey Arnold? Man that guy had issues

• OK lets say he cast Kurt as the heroin dealer, how do you make him show up on time for scenes and make sure hes not stoned as hell. I mean would he bring in his own heroin for the scenes hes shooting? How would that work I mean I guess it would save some money for props. Like "Hey Quentin we need that fake Heroin for the upcoming scene"  "Don't worry about it dude Kurts bringing in a half pound of blue magic"
  

This guy looks like he'd take a role really seriously. 

I felt obligated to put this scene in since we're talking about Pulp Fiction. Really goes under the radar that big Sam went with Jerry curls in this movie. Pretty much an angry, black oppressed version of Cosmo Kramer

• PS: Imagine Kurt Cobain and Samuel L Jackson in the same room together?  That's a Chapelle Show skit just begging to be created. Black guys and Nirvana going together like lamb and tunafish since day one.
  

Introduction of the Adult Film section

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Jared Leto: International Moviestar, Music Star and Vampire?

For a guy who is a multiplatinum music artist oscar winner and potential father of daenerys targarians unborn children Jared Leto really does not get the appreciation he deserves in hollywood. Is that because hes one of those weirdo fucking vegetarian guys whose probably the closest real life person you can get to owen wilson in meet the parents? Probably, but I really think that its ridiculous how little recognition this guy gets

• Requiem for a dream is a fucking wacky ass movie if you havent seen it watch it and get ready to not only appreciate how j leets transforms himself into a strung out heroin junkie, but also develop a real admiration for the size and bodaciousness of a young Jennifer Connolys tits.

• Dallas Buyers Club not only turned the king of Rom Coms into an oscar winner, but Jay Jay also turned in an oscar performance as well.  He managed to eek out Michael Fassbender in 12 years a Slave and an extremely Jewish Jonah Hill in the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh yeah he also did it by playing a transgender man whose dying of aids. 

Better looking than courtney love?

• And as if being an awesome actor wasn't enough, this mother fucker has the audacity to start a god damn band with his brother on the drums. Im too fucking lazy to walk my dog in my spare time, and this piece of shit starts a multi platinum selling band. The kill is gay as fuck but I love it
  

I also think this guy just trys to wear eyeliner in any situation he can. Like oh were shooting a music video better throw on some guyliner

• If all of this bullshit wasnt enough, Im trying to generate some heat on a conspiracy theory that hes actually a vampire. Because hes so underrated it really gets thrown under the rug that this son of a bitch hasnt aged in like 15 years. But im onto you motherfucer

Like what the fuck is going on here? Does this guy bathe in the blood of virgins or does he sacrifice to Cthulu? 

• Wait but it gets even better. This lucky guy also gets to (allegedly) bang Daenerys Targarian from the Game of Thrones Series.  Ok whatever you can be rich and handsome and famous but now your telling me you also get to bang khaleesi cmon man. This video is pretty much Jared being like I have not seen your show I recognize what a baller I am but I will still allow you to sleep with me.  The fucking father of dragons. I wouldnt be surprised if he watched the show and forced her to bleach her hair blonde permanently just because it pleases him.

It wouldnt shock me if he demanded he be written into Game of thrones and just usurped the Iron Throne no questions asked. Like ah shit Jared of house Leto is here guess we better bend the knee

Hey Jared if your reading this fuck you but more importantly keep doing you

A Tribute To Peregrin Took

When considering the vast world of Middle Earth, most think of Aragorn, Gandolf, Legolas, Frodo etc. The the unsung heroes, the men who fly under the radar, and the little people are most often forgotten (pun intended). Yes, Frodo physically threw the ring into the fire and is, along with Bilbo, the most famous hobbit of all time. Yes, Aragorn did every badass thing possible throughout the entire trilogy. Yes, Gandolf fought a fucking 10 story tall fire demon known as a balrog and (arguably) survived to tell the tale. I'm not looking to take anything away from the champions of Middle Earth, just looking to add another one to the hall of fame. Pippen, often called "a fool of a Took" by gandolf, is a good ol' fashion grinder. Everything he does leads to better things, intentional or not. For example:

1. Pippen ruins Frodo's "underhill" alias at the prancing pony, and in doing so, unites Aragorn to their cause.
2. During the battle where Boromir dies, Pippen (and Merry) distract the massive army of orcs from attacking and capturing Frodo. If Frodo gets captured right there, end of story, Middle Earth dies.
3. After befriending Treebeard, Pippen tricks the ent into taking himself and Merry to the forests end near Isengard, where saruman killed many of Treebeard's friends. This leads to an army of walking trees that fucks up the stronghold of the second most powerful man in the world, ending his threat to the ring destroying cause.
4. Arguably the most important thing Pippen does is disobey Gandolf's orders and look into the orb where he sees a glimpse of Sauron's plans to attack Gondor. Without Pippen's mischievous behavior, Gondor would not receive the help and support needed, and would be in ruins.

Bonus:  Pippen pushed Faramir off the pyre, saving his life.

Second Bonus:  Pippen purposely dropped his elven broach, allowing Aragorn and crew to track him and Merry down.

Big whoop that Legolas killed an elephant, all the men on it, and then rode down his truck while it was dying. Pippen is the real hero in this story.

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