Tuesday Is Humpday When You're Off On Friday

I'll write this in response to Andres Brustacus "Humpday Spotlight: Ashton Kutcher"

I wont beat around the bush. Ashton Kutcher sucks. Everything about him sucks. On a good day he's a disappointing Sean William Scott knockoff and on every other day he's a skid mark on Hollywood's underwear. It is beyond me how he is still getting jobs. And yes, that was a pun relating to his role as Steve Jobs, who is probably slitting his wrists in his grave knowing who the loser is who is defining his life in his movie. I guarantee Steve Jobs would prefer Peter Dinklage to play him, not taking shots at the incredible actor that Dinklage is, but rather to show that a midget would be a more convincing portrayal of Jobs than Ashton Kutcher. Now I've never seen "Jobs" so it could be a phenomenal film, but knowing Kutcher has the main role I can assume the movie will be as big a disappointment as the rest of his career. I'll give you guys a breakdown that not only ruins Brustacus's credibility but opens your eyes to the shit that spews out of every pore of Kutcher's body.

New Years Eve: Kutcher plays himself, which is a miserable hipster. In the movie he is trapped in an elevator in his pajama's so self absorbed that he refuses to befriend or acknowledge the chick in the elevator. Now her facial features (nose, mouth, eyes, etc) are significantly too big for the rest of her face, but other than that I wouldn't deny her the fuck she was begging for. Now I know that was his character and not him persay but I feel that portion of the story consisted of the worst acting performance of the movie.

Two and a Half Men: This is where Brustacus contradicts himself. He put Charlie Sheen on his fab 5 team then immediately stabs him in the back by praising Kutcher. It's clear that the show is about two and a half times worse with Kutcher instead of Sheen. No brainer there. Sheen was a dry humor, sarcastic mastermind and Kutcher is a boring fuck.

What Happen's in Vegas: A Keanu Reeves performance carried by the gorgeous Cameron Diez. Simple as that.

Dude, Where's My Car?: Entertaining but entertaining in a "Scary movie"/"Date Movie"/ any type of parody movie kind of way. Any actor could have played his part and it would have been the same exact movie.

That's 70's Show: I don't know the show well. I hate the 70's, I hate Kutcher, and therefore, I hate the show. I assume the only actual comedy from the show comes from the Dad or Grandpa or whoever the hilarious medium old guy is.

The Butterfly Effect: Awesome movie, loved every second. Kutcher does solid. The god awful '96 Jets won one game during the 1996 season. The disgusting Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts for a few years. Aaron Boone hit a homerun against the Sox in the 2003 ALCS. Every dog has his day.

Sorry Kunis, but you have a serious case of the Julia Roberts, except your Lovett is twice the loser.
Kunis Pics: 1 2 3 4 5

*Update*
I forgot to acknowledge the title of this post. Friday we have off for the 4th of July so the days of the week get pushed forward. Monday becomes Tuesday, Tuesday becomes Wednesday, and so on and so on. Therefore, Tuesday is Humpday, end of story.