Varsity Blues

I've been a big fan of Varsity Blues for quite some time. I'm not saying it's an incredible film, I' just saying I'm a fan. It's corny, over dramatic, a bit sloppy and awkward, yet it's still awesome. Varsity Blues has been on showtime/starz/hbo about 6 times a day for the last week and I've watched it every time I've seen it on, thus giving me the inspiration to write this blog.

(From left to right: Tweeder, Billy Bob, Kilmer, Lance, Mox, and 

insignificant-to-this-blog black guy)

Varsity Blues is a movie about a town down south obsessed with their high school football team, so obsessed that the players are above the law and the coach will do anything to win. When watching this movie you see the main character, Mox (short for Moxon), trying to be a normal kid and have a good time during his remaining years in high school, while he and his friends are over pressured by their coach, Kilmer, to win at all cost. When the starting QB, Lance, blows out his knee Mox gets the "chance of a lifetime" to step in and show he's no joke. But he doesn't give a fuck. He's like a less extreme Alex Moran, he's got the raw talent but doesn't care enough to do anything with it. Though generally a serious movie, the comedic relief of Tweeder and Billy Bob will having you laughing at the screen. Now I'm not fucking stupid, when watching a movie, especially alone, no one fucking laughs at the screen, but humor me here (pun intended). Tweeder is a person who, at one point in a man's life will strive to be. Watch the movie and see what I mean.

Varsity Blues is no "Miracle", but it's also no "Mighty Ducks". It probably sits right in the middle of the two. Overall, I can't give it a great grade due to pretty poor acting and ridiculous dialogue. But it's definitely a movie most people will love. Hopefully that makes some sense.

Magnum Reviews: 7/10

*Note* There are tits in this film (NSFW)

I Once Ate a Superbad Pineapple, Girl Said My Semen Tasted Horrible

One of the most debated questions is which is better, Superbad or Pineapple Express. Both of these films are piss your pants funny, have memorable moments and are very quotable.  Both are made from the same group of people, so there are plenty of jokes that make you look like a full fledged retard when your laughing.  I am a huge fan of both movies, I really am, but in my opinion, one of the movies reigns supreme... and thats Pineapple Express.  I'm going to explain why Pineapple takes a shit on Superbad's chest for comedy supremacy.

VS.

Like I said above, I'm a fan of both and I'm not dissing Superbad. If Pineapple Express is #1, Superbad is #1A.  What gets me going though is when people say that Superbad is better.  They're basically spewing shit out of their pieholes.  One of the reasons behind my theory is because I can never see myself in a situation like the guys of Pineapple Express were in.  It was hysterical how Ted Jones sent his goons Matheson and Budlofsky after the dynamic duo of stoners in Dale and Saul.  It was a huge series of unfortunate events for Mr. Denton, and thats why its funny.  Superbad was something I could see myself getting into during high school (minus some of the problems they went through) with the struggle of getting alcohol to be drunk off my ass by 11pm in our friends basements like a bunch of prepubescent little shitheads.

I'm also a bigger fan of the plot in Pineapple Express.  I mean the whole point of Superbad is getting alcohol for a party at a girl's house to try and impress them and it goes through their trials and tribulations of getting there.  For the record, after seeing the movie I wanted to try Goldshlick Vodka and Kyle's Killer Lemonade  (Tommyboy actually thought that existed, what a fucking moron).  Emma Stone wasn't what she is today, she was maybe a 5?, and thats being generous.
Superbad Emma Spiderman Emma 

In Pineapple, Ted Jones and his rouge african cop lady friend plug some asain guy right in the head and his brains spew all over Ted Jones's window like a container of Lo Main.  They than notice Dale who is a process server, sitting outside the house frantically drive away out of fear and the movie is about Ted finding and neutralizing the witness.  I'm not gonna give the whole plot away because if you haven't seen it, its a must before you die.

Here is one of my favorite scenes from Superbad.
Fogal (or McLovin) just has dead meat written all over him. It was basically a suicide mission.  Kind of reminds me of this kid.  Although I do admire his attempt at seeming of age by dropping the "Been drinking this stuff for years" line.  Hey, at least he gave it the old college try.

And here is one of my many favorite Pineapple scenes.  The whole dialog between his high school girlfriend's father and him is hysterical.  Dale really thought on his head with that fake name too, Garagely was absolutely genius.









I can literally go on and on talking about these movies but it would just give everything away, and were not in that business, were in the reviewing and getting wasted business.  So if you've haven't seen either one of these movies, do so, and if you've seen both you already have your opinion on which one is better.  I respect everyones opinion (just kidding, if you think Superbad is better, go walk on some legos barefooted you Lemming).  Now if you excuse me, I'm going to enjoy a nice plate of couscous, the food so nice, they named it twice, while fucking Jewels.

Armageddon

Perhaps one of my favorite movies, Armageddon is an emotional roller coaster where one minute I'm laughing my balls off and the next minute I'm crying like my goldfish died. The movie is about a meteor about to hit the Earth and the only way to stop it is to nuke it, so NASA sends a bunch of non-astronaut rough necks who work on an oil rig up to space to drill a hole and drop the nuke in. Sounds pretty lame, right? You are right though, it does sound pretty lame. But it's not lame. It's pretty fucking wild. If you can't get behind the concept at least get behind the star studded cast which includes:

• Bruce Willis (The badass oil rig boss)
• Billy Bob Thornton (The NASA employee who's pretty cool unlike the douchebag government men)
• Ben Affleck (Banging Bruce Willis's daughter and also Bruce Willis's 2nd in command, very controversial)
• Liv Tyler (Bruce Willis's daughter who gets plowed out by Big Ben Affleck)
• Will Patton (Typical Patton role: Main characters best friend, not quite in the spotlight but not easily forgotten)
• Steve Buscemi (Hilarious genius who bang's anything that moves)
• William Fitchner (NASA astronaut)
• Owen Wilson (Hick)
• Michael Clark Duncan (Jacked black guy, every movie needs a jacked black guy)

Every name there is an everyday household name without question. If your not talking about crazy eyes over morning coffee then what are you talking about? Jacked black guys real life unfortunate death? Ben Affleck as the new batman? The fat guy yelling "Yoast!" at Will Patton in Remember the Titans? How about the intense volleyball game in Meet The Parents? YA GOTTA SPIKE THOSE FOCKER! That's what I thought. Every name is indeed an everyday household name and they were all thrown into one suicide mission film with "Certainty of death, small chance of success," so, "What are we waiting for?"

On a more serious note, this movie falls into the classic storyline of the good guys having to prevail against all odds to save the world, which generally is too cliche for my liking. Even though at times it's quite unrealistic and over dramatic, Armageddon has hilarious one liners, excellent tear-jerking speeches, and incredible overall character and total movie development that turns this movie into an instant classic. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone.

By the way, I hope you guys know that the "Certainty of death..." quote is by Gimli in LOTR, not by any characters in Armageddon.

Liv Tyler pics: 1 2 3 4 5
Note: Liv Tyler is the real life daughter of Steve Tyler of Aerosmith. Liv Tyler is the daughter of Steve Tyler, Bruce Willis, and Elron fron LOTR. She's 1/3 rock and roll, 1/3 badass, and 1/3 elf. I wouldn't fuck with her if I was you.

*Update*
Liv Tyler was married to Royston Langdon for a little while? How the fuck did he land a chick like her?

Seth Rogen & James Franco May Be the Reason Why Kim Jong-un Bombs the Shit Out of This Country, and I'm Completely ok With That

Its well documented that Seth Rogen and James Franco are best friends.  Their bromance started while working together on the show Freaks And Geeks in 1999.  Since than they have appeared in many movies together, usually stoned as balls at one point or another in each of them.  Whether they're running away from asshole drug dealers (Pineapple Express), or trying to survive the apocalypse (This Is The End), they always bring their A-Game as a team. In my opinion they give Brangelina a run for their money as the top power couple of Hollywood.  These two rascals are in the news recently for their new project "The Interview".

Their new movie "The Interview" (trailer is here) is scheduled to be released October 10th, 2014 and I for one am fucking amped to see it, but I'll tell you one person who isn't.  That psychopathic, triple chinned, weird haired, sack of shit Kim Jong-un.  Now I get he was born into this shit because your dad Kim Jong-il was a prick too, but you don't have to be a communist bastard like the rest of the slanty eyed fucks before you. He has threatened to bomb the US if this movie gets released because "making and releasing a film that portrays an attack on our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated". So what's this guys deal? The movie portrays Seth and James being sent over to North Korea to kill Kim Jong-un.  First things first, other than maybe The Rock and Mark Wahlberg, I feel the most confident in this tandem to get the job done. But on the slim chance he grows a pair of balls and attacks this country, North Korea will get blown off the face of the earth.  And if I do die from one of their missiles, it would be a pretty cool way to go out.  I mean, the reason you died is because of Seth Rogen and James Franco, who can say that? Pretty cool way to head to heaven (just kidding, I'll be heading straight to hell).  

But in reality, Kim Jong-un needs to grow the fuck up already and stop acting like a cunt. Sorry your country sucks.  I just hope Dennis Rodman can talk him out of doing anything too radical once this movie gets released and makes a gagillion dollars... Nevermind, were screwed if Dennis Rodman is our only hope.