I enjoy nothing more than binge watching a series on a day after binge drinking. You know those mornings when you wake up and have absolutely no recollection of the night earlier, than proceed to check your phone to see those ridiculous incoherent text messages you sent to numerous people? Well I'll tell you the cure for that pain in the ass hangover, a fat greasy hungry man on a bagel with a Gatorade(coming from years of experience and poor health), and roughly 5 hours in your bed while watching one of the hundreds of television series's at your disposal. I remember one morning after a night of belligerent activity with fellow blogger Themigs, we watched Curb Your Enthusiasm for about 6-7 hours, only leaving our room to go to the bathroom and get food. It was one of the most unproductive days of my life...and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Not only is watching Netflix/HBOGO great for hangovers, but they're also very useful tools to utilize when you have immense amount of downtime, say at school, or when your sick for that matter. The only better feeling after finishing a solid 5-7 hour grind sesh of watching a show is that amazing piss when you wake up in the morning, or that wonderful dump you take after you eat a shit ton of Tacobell. You get that feeling of a high when you keep watching, and when you finally think its time to stop, you don't want to. You get that withdrawel when you actually have to be a productive member of society and go to work or class. You just wanna get home and cuddle up in your bed and continue living vicariously through the eyes of the characters of whichever show your on.
Over the years I've watched a bunch of television series's on these great streaming applications, and each show was a wild ride. I just recently finished watching The Sopranos and I can say with honesty that it was the second best show I've watched in my life next to Breaking Bad. I've watched both seasons of the Netflix exclusive Orange Is The New Black (review blog down the road), the Blue Mountain State series about 3-4 times and still laugh my ass off every time Thad has that outlandish feminine yet masculine scream of his, Entourage about 3 times, East Bound and Down, Sons Of Anarchy, most of Curb Your Enthusiasm and a handful of other shows that I can't think of off the top of my head at the moment. With Sopranos over I needed to start a new show and I had a few choices but ultimately decided on Dexter which originally aired on Showtime. I started Season 1 2 days ago which was 12 episodes and as I'm currently writing this, I'm on episode 2 of Season 2. Most shows I watch are like crack, I can't get enough. I will admit the shows main character Dexter is a tad bit strange, the show is fucking awesome. It has one of the more creative storylines I've watched before. Its about a blood spatter analyst who works for the police, but has a dark dark hidden secret that only he knows about, hes a serial killer that gets rid of the "trash" and only kills those who have killed people in their life and either haven't got caught by the police or were able to get off trial. Yes, a man whose job it is to protect and serve the people of Miami, who is fabulous at his job, is also a serial killer and can't get enough of the blood. It's a pretty cool concept for a show (I'm now on episode 3, my 6th episode of the day). The first season was a wild ride, especially the last 2 episodes, on the edge of your seat shit. Highly recommend the show.
Along with Dexter, I'm juggling the new show that HBO pumped out, The Leftovers. It's pretty damn hard to get a grasp on. One random day 2% of the World's population disappeared. Literally, disappeared. One second they were on the Earth and the next they vanished like deleting the history on your internet browser after rubbing one out. There are a few people on this planet that I wouldn't mind seeing that happening to. I'm not gonna namenamesbutjustknowthattherearesome people that wouldn't be all that bad if they went poof, vanish. The show goes through the aftermath of this horrific event and how it affects the people. It's pretty strange I must say, don't fully have a grasp on it yet, but it surely an interesting watch and lots of questions that haven't been answered yet since its only 4 episodes in. I look forward to seeing what else happens this season.
Basically I'm saying Netflix and HBOGO are essential to life. If you don't agree than your probably already dead inside and are beyond saving, sucks to suck. So go out there, find a series to sink your teeth into, and start the beauty of binge watching.
First of all I would like to apologize to the cube monkeys out there for getting this blog out there super late. Today I'm going to go over the career of Tom Hanks. I figured I'd veer away from the comedy/action actors/actresses today. Tom has been in films before I was even swimming around in my Dad's nuts (1992) so he's got a bunch of miles on his illustrious career. Worldwide his movies have grossed over $8.5 Billion, making him one of the highest grossing actors in history. That's pretty God damn impressive to say the least, good for him, good for him.
I found this picture hysterical, so I put it on, this is no way shape or form a reflection of his career.
Tom busted out on the scene after his role in Big (1988). He played the role of a child who wished to become big and over night became an adult. Looking at him from the outside not knowing what happened, you would probably think he was retarded based on how he carried himself throughout society. He was a manchild. It was actually a very good film, and the numbers speak for themselves since it made $151 million worldwide which was amazing for 1988. He was also nominated for an academy award for best actor that year, which he lost to Dustin Hoffman's role in Rain Man in which he played an autistic man. Big year for the mentally disoriented roles. I did not see the movie Philadelphia (1993) but he won the academy award for his role as Andrew Beckett, so I'd say he obviously did something right. In 1994 Tom won back to back academy awards for best actor after Tom's lead role in Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump is an American classic that I've seen numerous times in my life. Tom played the aforementioned Forrest Gump and the movie was about his life and showed us what this man went through. Forrest wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree but he didn't let that affect him. He won awards from the military for serving in Vietnam, was a world renowned ping pong player, a shrimp enthusiast but most importantly showed us, the viewer, life lessons. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get" is one of the most used sayings still, and it actually is true about life. Unless your a baby born into a family with a silver spoon in your mouth, if you're one of those kids, fuck you.
One of the rolls I will forever love Tom for was his voice as Woody in the Toy Story trilogy which started in 1995 and was concluded in 2010. I have literally nothing negative to say about Toy Story. I grew up watching them and I feel that I can relate to the "main" character Andy a lot. It showed us Andy growing up from being a little kid to going off to college. The movies focused more on Woody and Buzz and the trials and tribulations Andy's toys went through. I am not ashamed to say that I tear up every time due to the ending of Toy Story 3. It's an absolute lock that one tear will be shed, and if you don't tear up, your a ginger and have no soul. In 1998 Tom was nominated for another academy award for the WWII classic Saving Private Ryan. SPR is viewed as one of the most realistic reenactments of what it was like for the brave men who stormed the beaches of Normandy and helped win the hellacious blood bath against the Nazi regime. The first time I saw the movie was in 8th grade during Social Studies class and had to have a permission slip signed by my parents due to the blood and guts. This is another Tom Hanks movie I can't help but tear up at the end because of the historical impact plus the attachment I gained to the numerous soldiers the movie showed. Every time I snipe someones head off in a videogame, I usually say "God give me strength", paying homage to SPR's sniper who is a boss. The final battle scene fighting of the German's is riveting and unbelieveable. The only complaint is that Upham, the pussy who was supposed to supply ammo for the men didn't die.
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In 1999 Tom was in the movie The Green Mile which also featured the late Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) and it was a great watch. Tom struck gold with his performance in Cast Away (2000). It was about a man who worked for FedEx that wound up getting stranded on an island by himself after a delivery went bad and how he handled life. Things we take for granted such as water, food, shelter, warmth, clothing and maybe most importantly, companionship, were all struggles Tom's character Chuck faced. Chuck took a volleyball from the wreckage, befriended it, and named him Wilson (the balls brand). Gravity, which was mentioned in Themigs's blog, is a complete and utter ripoff of this concept, only in space (Like Anthony said, he couldn't have hit the nail harder on the head). Tom was again nominated for an academy award for best actor for his performance, which he lost to Russell Crowe for his role in Gladiator. In 2002 he teamed up with Leo and Spielberg in Catch Me If You can which I saw for the first time in Mrs. Bennett's accounting class senior year of high school. She had absolutely no control of her class whatsoever, great times. CMIYC was an enjoyable movie based on true events. Watch it if you can, you won't be disappointed. He's also known for his voice in the Christmas movie (Yes, I said Christmas, none of that liberal "Holiday" bullshit up in this blog) Polar Express (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), Angels and Demons (2009), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011) and most recently Captain Phillips (2013). Captain Phillips was nominated for a total of 6 academy awards, unfortunately losing all 6, but don't read much into it, it was a fabulous film. It was about a cargo ship that gets hijacked by a bunch of malnourished Somalian pirates, who resembled some of Kony's finest soldiers, and tried to make a quick buck. The rest of it's up to you to find out, I'm not giving any more of the details away. Watch it for yourself and see how the story unfolds.
This has been my longest blog, and it could have went on a lot longer talking about the career of Tom Hanks. I tried to give the man his due diligence for entertaining the millions who have seen his films over the years. He is one of the most well respected men in the biz. I wish there were more actors like Tom Hanks, everything the guy says is a stitch.
This is a review I've been wanting to do, and now I finally think I am ready to give it the respect and credibility it deserves. If there was ever a show that someone in their life should watch, it's Breaking Bad. I'm going to do my best with this review even though it's going to be EXTREMELY hard to do without giving away spoilers for those who have not finished watching it or want to watch it in the future. It won numerous Television awards, including numerous Emmys and racking up a total of 101 out of the 267 total awards it was nominated for over the length of the series. So without further ado, it's time to dive in the show that made you fear and envy a man who was living with Stage 3 Lung Cancer. Yes, I said envy. Never would I envy the life of a man with such a bad hand dealt until watching this series.
I'm The One Who Knocks
Without giving up the indepth details of the show, I will give a brief synopsis. Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston) is a high school chemistry teacher who has a wife named Skylar and a son named Walt Jr who has cerebral palsy. They live in New Mexico. Walter was feeling ill and had some odd symptoms such as coughing up blood and severe dizziness. He went to the doctor to check out what was going on and it was revealed that he had Stage 3 Lung Cancer. This guy had every reason to give up on life, the only thing that kept him hanging on was the love and support of his family. Family was everything to Walt. He was doing everything he could've done to fight off this wretched sickness. He went through rounds and rounds of chemo in hopes of getting rid of the cancer, but it wasn't looking good. Walt had a year left tops. With questions about how much longer he would be around, he started thinking about how his family would survive financially without him. He was once involved in a company called Grey Matter, which he was bought out of because he wanted out, and that company turned out to a million dollar corporation, and Walt kicked himself every day for not sticking it out. While pondering and thinking of ways he could support them after his soon unfortunate demise, he came up with an idea that may be crazy enough to work. This idea was triggered after running across a former student of his that sold marijuana, Jesse Pinkman who was played by Aaron Paul. School and making an honest living was never Jesse's strong suit. Walt approached Jesse with this crazy idea of making and selling crystal meth along with Jesse's marijuana. With Walt's knowledge in chemistry and Jesse's connections in the drug world, this was an idea that seemed so farfetched and crazy enough, that it could work. Oh and the real kicker, Walt's brother in law, Hank, was a DEA agent specially trained to stop the distribution of drugs on the streets. All of this information you find out within the first few episodes, and the series wound up going 62 episodes over 5 seasons. You may think this is wild enough already, well trust me, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Seems like a pretty crazy series, right?
Vince Gilligan is the mastermind behind Breaking Bad. I would say this is one of the most well written, creative and innovative shows I've ever watched, all bias aside. Bryan Cranston acted the role of his life. When I first started watching the show I couldn't get the image of Hal from Malcolm In The Middle out of my head, but i quickly changed my view of him. Aaron Paul who was the Robin to Bryan's Batman, also busted out on the scene into the acting world after playing a strung out drug dealer who had it out for society and didn't care about anyone except his friends. Dozens and dozens of times my jaw was on the floor due to disbelief, shock or a what the fuck moment. I've watched every episode at least 3 times and still catch things that I didn't get the first few times, or am able to connect moments from one episode to the next. This is the beauty of Breaking Bad. "Easter Eggs" are hidden throughout the show which help connect things and give clues to things that have yet to happen that all make sense once the moment happens. Even the titles of each episode contain clues when put together make sense. For example, the last episode of the series Fe-Li-Na is made from the Periodic Table of Elements. Fe is Iron which is found in blood, Li is Lithium which is found in Crystal Meth and Na is Sodium which is found in tears. Blood, Meth and Tears. That's the creativity and ingenuity used throughout the whole series, and I love it. There were so many memorable moments, lines and scenes in the show which makes this show that much more special. So if you're ever trying to find a new show to watch after you binged a series, or are hungover as hell on a Saturday afternoon, you don't need to look further than the B's in Netflix.
Magnum Reviews : 10/10, and we don't throw 10's around here like its a strip club either
P.S. - You can't tell me that Walt Jr. is a human form of Jimmy from South Park, be honest
Chances are when you were growing up, you watched the WWF at least once (It's still the WWF in my eyes, fuck that dumb panda and the World Wildlife Foundation). There were the likes of the beer guzzling, middle finger flipping Stone Cold Steve Austin, the 22-0 Undefeated Deadman, The Undertaker (He still is undefeated at Wrestlemania, the refs messed up the count), and the pie eating, eyebrow raising, jabroni beating, the People's Champ, THE ROCK. The Rock is the biggest wrestler ever to succeed out of the ring, and there's no question about it. If I could switch lives with him for one day, I would do it without question. He probably gets so much puss with the beautiful temple of his body that he works endless hours a day working on. He was the most electrifying man in Sports Entertainment and he continues to bring it on the big screen.
Wrestling Career: In November of 1996, The Rock debuted in at Survivor Series, one of the
"Big 4" WWE PPVs. Athleticism was in his blood. He played football at the University of Miami as a backup to Warren Sapp (NFL HOF'er). Since he saw football wasn't his route in life, he followed his father and grandfather's route and joined wrestling. He had all the pieces necessary to become a superstar. His physique was amazing, his polarizing skills on the mic and was able to fire up the crowd like no one else could. He went through bouts with wrestling legends like Stone Cold, Mic Foley, Chris Jericho and Hulk Hogan. The Rock left in 2004 to pursue his acting career and returned to the ring 2011 for some long term part-time gigs passing the torch off to John Cena and CM Punk. He wrestled at Wrestlemania 28 and 29 facing John Cena, going 1-1, dropping the belt to him at Wrestlemania 29, which he won off of CM Punk at the 2013 Royal Rumble in January. Wrestlemania 30 was this year and he, Stone Cold and Hulk Hogan opened the show with an awesome promo that made the little child in me jump up and down in excitement. It was one of the coolest promos I've ever seen, period. He will without a doubt be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame when the time comes, and I hope he has at least one more match left in him because he suffered some severe injuries against John Cena at Wrestlemania 29. Here are some of the most memorable and iconic moments The Rock so far in his WWE career.
Acting Career: This was perhaps the hardest step Dwayne took in his professional career, trying to go to the big screen and movies. People were very skeptic about his transition and if he would succeed... and boy did he. His movies grossed a total of $1.3 BILLION, with a B in 2013, which was the most among any actor or actress. No one can get enough of The Rock, hes a megastar. His first feature film was The Scorpion King in 2002. From there, he went on to lead in The Rundown and Walking Tall. The first serious, non action roll he played was Gridiron Gang. He played a football coach who coached a group of kids who had problems staying out of trouble off the field. He instilled faith and discipline in them, showing them someone cared about them, and thats what they needed in their life. They wound up losing in the championship game, but they won in life. It was a very feel good story, and I feel The Rock executed that role perfectly. He is well known for his roles in the Fast And Furious series. He appeared in FF 5, 6 and is currently filming 7 which is being fixed due to the tragic passing of Paul Walker (RIP). My favorite movie in which he appeared was Pain And Gain. Themigs touched on this movie in his blog yesterday so head over there and read it or watch the movie yourself, and have your mind blown away. He made me feel bad for his character, be scared of his character, laugh at his character and sympathise for his character all in the same movie. Not to mention my other Man Crush Mark Wahlberg was in it, so it was an absolute must for me to see. Hercules is scheduled to be released on July 27th, The Rock's next featured film and hes currently filming his next film San Andreas which should also be a box office giant.
I'll admit he really isn't the greatest actor, staying mainly with action rolls, but thats ok. He brings more to the table than acting, he's a huge name that draws people to the movies and sells tickets. He does his job. People pay to see him, he puts people in the seats, exactly like he did in the WWE. Dwayne is one of the biggest names in Hollywood, and I don't see that ending anytime soon. I'd pay him money to Rock Bottom or People's Elbow me, but I don't think he would need the cash because his net worth is $70 Million. I just hope to run into him one day just to say I've met The People's Champ, The Rock.
To start things off, when I say I want to live like Tony Soprano, I mean Tony Soprano and not James Gandolfini. Unfortunately he passed away last year of a heart attack which isn't so shocking when you look at the guy. I'm not here to make jokes about his death though, he was a fabulous actor that we greatly miss, RIP James. I'm here to talk about the man he personified on quite possibly HBO's biggest show ever, The Sopranos, Tony Soprano.
I know everyone is saying "Hey Andres, Sopranos ended in 2007, why the hell would you be talking about that now?" The answer is simple, I only got into it a few months ago and I'm almost done with the series. People may give me shit because its so old and that if someone tells you what happens, its like spoiling The Bible because its been out for so long. Well the show is KINDA spoiled for me already because i sort of know the ending of the show because it was so controversial, but thats not taking away from the enjoyment, excitement and suspense i get from watching each episode. Along with all of those emotions I get (including the physical emotions I get in my pants from Meadow Soprano), I also dream more and more about living the life of the man, the myth, the legend, Tony Soprano.
I've never wanted to be in a mob so bad after watching this show. I can only imagine the feeling they get in their balls when their conducting their illegal business. I'd imagine its like that feeling you get from a steep drop on a roller coaster in your stomach/ball area. They go around intimidating people like you did in The Godfather video games with guns to extort people. Having women at your feet is a pretty cool thing too. Tony owns a strip club so thats free puss as well. Tony owns a humongous New Jersey mansion paid by his families illegal mob ring. The whole lifestyle just seems awesome. Sure, its illegal, but wouldn't you wanna try it at least once if you had the option? Hell I'd do a ride around with Tony for a day, seeing a day in the life. It would more than likely include eating some awesome italian food, making bank, fucking a chick, possibly shooting someone (which I'd imagine is quite exhilarating) and getting wasted. Sounds like an awesome day to me, where do I sign up? Not to mention he's basically the head boss of the Soprano family, so he rarely gets over ruled, his word goes. And Tony took no shit, from anyone. He was one tough mother fucker as well. Here's a video of him killing one of his own guys who lied to him (Go to 3:50, Spoilers in video). Next to Walter White (which I will write a blog about in the future), he is probably the most lovable "villain" to appear on a TV show, ever. And by villain, I mean someone who is doing something that is frowned upon in society, but are idolized in the shows. I would be pretty upset if I ran into a mob boss and he wasn't like Tony Soprano, it would be like finding out Santa wasn't real, total life changing experience.
Jonah is the loveable Hollywood actor whose weight fluxuates faster than a retarded 6 year old hyped up on mountain dew bouncing off the walls. He has been in many movies that have been viewed by millions. The amount of money they brought in can probably support his food bill for a solid 4 months. It's like he has a very deathly disease thats just eating him away, he might wanna get this checked out. Although I did bag on him at the end of my Fab 5 blog, I do actually enjoy his work. So lets dive in to his career like he does the all you can eat buffets.
We were first introduced to Jonah Hill frantically telling people to ask him about his small jewish weiner in the movie Accepted. After than, his obese star to fame started to shoot across big screens worldwide. 2007 was a big year for him. He was in 2 comedy juggernauts, Superbad and Knocked Up. He had more of a prominent main character in Superbad than he was Knocked Up, but that helped him form a nice relationship with Seth Rogan which he has appeared in movies with since than. Jonah's character in Superbad, Seth, was at a party and having a great time dancing with some hot chick. She was grinding all up on his johnson and Seth was loving it. After his grind sesh, he found out she just used him as a tampon and just spewed her period blood all over him, fucking classic. That was one of the memorable scenes from the movie that showcased Jonah's talents and set him up for stardom.
In 2009, he was alongside Adam Sandler in the Comedy/Drama Funny People. I was a fan of that movie, but it could've been cut in half and still been the same thing. It was kind of a more serious role for Jonah which was exactly what he needed to pave his way into 2 Academy Award nominated roles in the near future. Moneyball (2011) was the first serious roll Jonah had. The movie was about the Oakland Athletics and the "moneyball" theory that GM Billy Beane used to build his team that actually saw success while spending close to nothing. Billy Beane was played by Brad Pitt. After that movie I loved Brad because he packed so many lips throughout it, and that is fucking awesome. Jonah played his assistant/scout and was a key part to Beane's success with the team. This role gave Jonah his first Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor, which he lost, but it was really good for Jonah to transform his usual comedic character.
In 2012 Jonah teamed up Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street which was nice to see him continue his funny comedy roles, but with a different cast of people. They had pretty good chemistry, enough to come out with 22 Jump Street during this Summer 2014. 2013 gave Jonah his second nod at an Academy Award nomination with his roll in The Wolf Of Wallstreet working alongside the stallion of a man known as Leo Dicaprio. Jonah played a jew (which was easy for him) who worked alongside Leo in their scam to make millions off stocks while ripping people off along the way. They loved sex, drugs and partying which looked like a grand ol' time. Would've loved to have been to one of their parties. I would've been fine sitting in the corner jerking it to Leo plowing out his (NSFW) SMOKESHOW of a wife. She could have the Clap and I would still without a doubt risk it to get that biscuit, but back to Jonah. 2013 we were also presented with This Is The End in which Jonah got raped by a demon with a big big black dick. Thats the kind of stuff that happens in prison. Poor guy didn't stand a chance. This Is The End was a hysterical movie which featured a bunch of comedy stars/friends, highly recommended.
I'm excited to see what Jonah has for us in the future. He has shown that he can be a comedy genius and than perform a very serious role, something not many actors in Hollywood can do today. I will admit though I do love fat Jonah. Skinny Jonah isn't that cool, he thinks hes better than us. Stay true to your roots, stop going on these outlandish diets. Your a fat guy Jonah, embrace it, live it, love it.
P.S - I still have a boner from that Margot Robbie picture, heres a few more to get through this Humpday 1234
...aaaaaaaand now im like
One of the most debated questions is which is better, Superbad or Pineapple Express. Both of these films are piss your pants funny, have memorable moments and are very quotable. Both are made from the same group of people, so there are plenty of jokes that make you look like a full fledged retard when your laughing. I am a huge fan of both movies, I really am, but in my opinion, one of the movies reigns supreme... and thats Pineapple Express. I'm going to explain why Pineapple takes a shit on Superbad's chest for comedy supremacy.
VS.
Like I said above, I'm a fan of both and I'm not dissing Superbad. If Pineapple Express is #1, Superbad is #1A. What gets me going though is when people say that Superbad is better. They're basically spewing shit out of their pieholes. One of the reasons behind my theory is because I can never see myself in a situation like the guys of Pineapple Express were in. It was hysterical how Ted Jones sent his goons Matheson and Budlofsky after the dynamic duo of stoners in Dale and Saul. It was a huge series of unfortunate events for Mr. Denton, and thats why its funny. Superbad was something I could see myself getting into during high school (minus some of the problems they went through) with the struggle of getting alcohol to be drunk off my ass by 11pm in our friends basements like a bunch of prepubescent little shitheads.
I'm also a bigger fan of the plot in Pineapple Express. I mean the whole point of Superbad is getting alcohol for a party at a girl's house to try and impress them and it goes through their trials and tribulations of getting there. For the record, after seeing the movie I wanted to try Goldshlick Vodka and Kyle's Killer Lemonade (Tommyboy actually thought that existed, what a fucking moron). Emma Stone wasn't what she is today, she was maybe a 5?, and thats being generous. Superbad EmmaSpiderman Emma
In Pineapple, Ted Jones and his rouge african cop lady friend plug some asain guy right in the head and his brains spew all over Ted Jones's window like a container of Lo Main. They than notice Dale who is a process server, sitting outside the house frantically drive away out of fear and the movie is about Ted finding and neutralizing the witness. I'm not gonna give the whole plot away because if you haven't seen it, its a must before you die.
Here is one of my favorite scenes from Superbad.
Fogal (or McLovin) just has dead meat written all over him. It was basically a suicide mission. Kind of reminds me of this kid. Although I do admire his attempt at seeming of age by dropping the "Been drinking this stuff for years" line. Hey, at least he gave it the old college try.
And here is one of my many favorite Pineapple scenes. The whole dialog between his high school girlfriend's father and him is hysterical. Dale really thought on his head with that fake name too, Garagely was absolutely genius.
I can literally go on and on talking about these movies but it would just give everything away, and were not in that business, were in the reviewing and getting wasted business. So if you've haven't seen either one of these movies, do so, and if you've seen both you already have your opinion on which one is better. I respect everyones opinion (just kidding, if you think Superbad is better, go walk on some legos barefooted you Lemming). Now if you excuse me, I'm going to enjoy a nice plate of couscous, the food so nice, they named it twice, while fucking Jewels.
If you grew up in the 2000's, chances are you've seen at least one episode of That 70's Show and loved Michael Kelso aka Ashton Kutcher. He was the loveable stupid member of the crew that baked out Eric's basement on the reg. Kelso also was dating one of the hottest smokes in Point Place, Wisconsin, Jackie Burkhart who was played by the ravishing Russian Mila Kunis (I will get back to her later). He was basically living the High School dream and I would trade places with him in a heart beat to have Mila Kunis as my girl friend. Even if you were living in a refrigerator box, saying Mila Kunis is your girl friend is a Hole In One on a Par 5.
Ashton than went on to playing a very similar character in the movie Dude, Where's My Car? Ashton and Seann William Scott portrayed 2 best friends who after a night of solid blacking out and winning a lifetime supply of pudding, completely forgot where their car was. Sure, the premises of the movie sounds like half retarded monkey could come up with, but I can relate. I tend to get a bit reckless myself from time to time and wake up with not a clue of what happened the night before, shame, and a puddle of puke or pizza crust bed side. This movie was a staple of my childhood. I recently watched about half of it at a party with my friends and was able to recite just about every line. From "Dude, what does mine say?!", to ZOLTAN!, there are many parts of this movie that will have you pissing your pants. I still have this movie in my Top 10 comedies that I've ever seen, and will defend it to the death of me (Which will be around the age of 39 at the rate I eat/lack of physical activity). If you've never seen this movie, you should probably stop reading this and go do so, than come back when you finish.
MTV gave Ashton his own show in 2003 when he became the host of Punk'd which was a show where celebs were set up in jokes and saw their reaction unfold in front of hidden cameras. It was a funny show to see how celebrities react when things go haywire. Ashton was in the spotlight more than ever.
In 2004, we were introduced to a side of Ashton that we have never seen, a very serious role in The Butterfly Effect. I thoroughly enjoy this movie. He has the ability to travel back in time and change things in his life for the better. He than realizes that every thing he does, something negative happens in the future that affects either him, his family, or his circle of friends. There were a few dark and twisted scenes in the movie that either kept you on the edge of your seat, or cringing in disbelief/disgust. This was the role that proved to Hollywood that Ashton wasn't just a comedy actor, and had what it took to expand his acting repertoire.
He's appeared in a bunch of other movies like Just Married, Cheaper By The Dozen, Guess Who, What Happens In Vegas, and most recently Jobs portraying the life of Steve Jobs. He now is also on the show Two and a Half Men, replacing Charlie Sheen. In 2013 Ashton also gave a speech at the Teen Choice Awards after receiving the Ultimate Choice Award (which is probably as prestegious as a pile of dog shit, but whatever) that was heard by millions and quite inspirational. Here is his full acceptance speech. Back to Mila Kunis. Life came full circle for fans of the show because now Mila and Ashton are now engaged and are expecting a child. What a lucky guy he is that he got to give his seed to such a stallion of a women. That baby is probably going to be the most beautiful person ever when their older, book it.
This is not a blog about the 1991 Michigan Wolverine Men's Basketball team. Although I would love to talk about Jalen Rose and the infamous Crack House incident, I'll save that for another time. The point of this blog is a combination of what this site does, Movies/TV and Booze. I'm here to answer the age old question of who would be the best group of guys to have the night of your life that would give Hangover 1 a run for its money. And I say Hangover 1 because who in their right mind would willingly want to go to Bangkok (Hangover 2) and party, that place is full of transexuals and poor people, no bueno.
My first selection would have to go to Thad Castle who is played by Alan Ritchson. Thad is the star Linebacker on the dominate Blue Mountain State football team. Not only does he kick ass on the field, but he also parties like an absolute animal and slaughters pussy. He is such a wildcard that he takes rabies before his games to give him an extra edge. I can only imagine the things he would do in Vegas. He would more than likely impregnate a few women or end up in a jail cell.
My second choice would have to go to Kenny Powers who is played by Danny McBride. Kenny Powers had a roller coaster career in the MLB, but you can't deny his lifestyle. The guy lives everyday like its his last, making the most of everything. He snorts coke like its going out of style, and I love that. I'n not saying I dabble with booger sugar, or support it, but you have to admire his dedication to his craft. He's an athlete as well, and bitches love athletes. Any guy who jetskis with topless women is welcomed on my team any day.
Steering away from the athletes, my third selection would have to be Mark Wahlberg. You could say I have a man crush for Marky Mark, and I'm not afraid to admit it. He's a stallion. I know if there was a problem, Mark would have your back no matter what. He had a wild side as a kid, beating up on minorities and not giving a fuck. You wouldn't want to fuck with a man like Mark. He blinded an elderly Vietnamese man when he was 16 (The dude probably had it coming, thats on you buddy). He also is responsible for one of the best songs ever created in Good Vibrations. If that song doesn't get your dick hard, you probably have erectile disfunction and I feel bad for you
Channing Tatum would get my 4th spot. He has gained a hell of a lot of respect out of me after his roles in 21 and 22 Jump Street and changed my view of him as a pillow biting homosexual. You know we would be surrounded by waves of gorgeous women trying to get their boxes stuffed by him. Sex drips off of him when he wakes up in the morning. He's probably turned down more beejs in his life than I've received. Channing can take the 10's, I'll gladly take his 7's with a smile on my face. Trickle down effect, pretty recognizable method made famous by Ronald Reagan.
Rounding out this squad of extraordinary gentlemen is Charlie Sheen. His history has been well documented. Oh he had a drug problem worse than Whitney Houston (and he's still standing, ha!) and got killed off in Two And A Half Men, but who cares? The guy just wins at life. He has a stronger passion to get absolutely fucked up and rail out hookers than I have for Taco Bell, and thats saying something. Sure its possible he has some STDs and illegitimate children out there, but that's how Charlie rolls. I need this guy on my squad like yesterday.
And this rounds out my Fab 5. I accept the fact that I would probably die if we went out one night together, but this is a risk that you have to take. These guys don't fuck around, balls to the wall pedal to the medal action. Do yourself a favor and wear a Go Pro that night, because it will be one for the record books. Comment below any substitutions you would make, or if you would go with a completely different 5.
P.S. - I really thought about putting Jonah Hill in there just because he's fatter than me and it would make me look better, he just doesn't bring anything else to the table. Step up your game Jonah
Its well documented that Seth Rogen and James Franco are best friends. Their bromance started while working together on the show Freaks And Geeks in 1999. Since than they have appeared in many movies together, usually stoned as balls at one point or another in each of them. Whether they're running away from asshole drug dealers (Pineapple Express), or trying to survive the apocalypse (This Is The End), they always bring their A-Game as a team. In my opinion they give Brangelina a run for their money as the top power couple of Hollywood. These two rascals are in the news recently for their new project "The Interview".
Their new movie "The Interview" (trailer is here) is scheduled to be released October 10th, 2014 and I for one am fucking amped to see it, but I'll tell you one person who isn't. That psychopathic, triple chinned, weird haired, sack of shit Kim Jong-un. Now I get he was born into this shit because your dad Kim Jong-il was a prick too, but you don't have to be a communist bastard like the rest of the slanty eyed fucks before you. He has threatened to bomb the US if this movie gets released because "making and releasing a film that portrays an attack on our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated". So what's this guys deal? The movie portrays Seth and James being sent over to North Korea to kill Kim Jong-un. First things first, other than maybe The Rock and Mark Wahlberg, I feel the most confident in this tandem to get the job done. But on the slim chance he grows a pair of balls and attacks this country, North Korea will get blown off the face of the earth. And if I do die from one of their missiles, it would be a pretty cool way to go out. I mean, the reason you died is because of Seth Rogen and James Franco, who can say that? Pretty cool way to head to heaven (just kidding, I'll be heading straight to hell).
But in reality, Kim Jong-un needs to grow the fuck up already and stop acting like a cunt. Sorry your country sucks. I just hope Dennis Rodman can talk him out of doing anything too radical once this movie gets released and makes a gagillion dollars... Nevermind, were screwed if Dennis Rodman is our only hope.
