400 Years of White Guilt aka (12 Years a Slave)

Sorry for the hiatus folks but I really... really hate my job. Like imagine me being Peter from Office Space but instead of my life being saved by watching some fat guy croak I'm nightly staring at a bottle of ambien just waiting to end it all... Anyway I absolutely loved the movie 12 Years A Slave. Was it partly because it made me guilty for being white? Maybe. But this film was an incredible experience that makes me glad my family came from a line of Micks at the local saloon instead of  group of oppressed "colored" people. Colored is politically correct right? Well anyway heres a N word free breakdown of 12 Years A Slave....

Although I often get patronized for bearing the flag of white guilt for loving this movie I clearly was not alone, as it won the oscar for best picture. Everyone who says this movie won because it was about slavery needs to go back to waiting in line to see Mark Wahlburg or the Rock saving the day in some generic fashion. 

Will the Rock and Marky Mark take enough Steroids to kill Zombie Hitler? Tune in and find out!

The thing that made this movie so incredible was the phenomenal acting performances all around, and the transportation of you into another world. Solomon Northrup, the main characters, trip from a free man, to a slave of a just slave owner, to another slave owner who is not so kind really made me feel like I was immediately transported to the 1840's south. Solomons first owner was portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch, and for some UNREAL reason, they didnt use the name benedict cumberbatch as his characters name.

Benedict Cumberbatchs name just SCREAMS I am a just slave owner like wtf guys

Mixing in marquee performances by Brad Pitt and Michael Fassbender and this movie really was unreal. (Spoiler alert: Michael Fassbender aka Magneto doesnt use his powers to phyisically put chains on the slaves hes just a dick)

This scene really shows how fucking intense this movie was. (When you've seen this movie more than once this scene is comical but that just might be my fucked up mind

Every time I watch the movie Girl Next Door I now think that this guy is racist in real life. No going back buddy I'm onto you

Magnum Rating: 9.5 In other words, if you're not black and dont watch this movie youre racist!

jk....but seriously

Ps... the main actress for this won most beautiful woman in the world. Sorry did I miss something? 

Candace how do you feel about interns at mortgage companies? lmk girl.

Heath Ledger: Why So Serious? A Legends Sendoff

Heath Ledger actually holds a pretty special place in my heart. Not because like Jake Gyllenhaal I was railed out in a tent by him in secrecy for twenty years, but probably because my freshman year me and one of my roommates legitimately watched The Dark Knight every night an entire semester. I shit you not I completely get how Heath Ledger went crazy being the Joker because I started to feel batshit just by watching him go insane playing the joker. All that being said, its a shame this guy died so young and I felt it appropriate to discuss the good the bad and the homosexual of Heath's career.

And Here....We...Go.....

Best Movie- Tie between The Dark Knight and The Patriot

Now look I know I just told you that I watched TDK about 100 times one semester but that doesn't take away from the fact that The Patriot is one badass movie. Not only do you get to see a arguable breakout role from Ledger, but Mel Gibson and like 8 rednecks pretty much take down the entire British army. I seriously think that when Mel kills a guy in a movie he is actually murdering that guy in real life. So much raw anger that he just unloads on innocent extras in his movies. When a man signs up for a Mel Gibson film he puts his life in peril Anyway, even though Ledgers performance was easily better in TDK I felt obligated to pay homage to The Patriot, especially with the Fourth coming in hot.

Seriously has anyone made more of a career off of being a deush than the guy who plays Lucius Malfoy and Colonel Tavington?

Best Performance- Upset Alert Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain

I know if anyone actually reads this shit I'd get heat for this, but hear me out. I absolutely loved Heath's performance as The Joker, BUT, I gotta be honest his performance as an angry and confused cowboy really made that movie for me. In a movie where you otherwise get to see raunchy gay sex, seeing an incredible acting performance really helps to make you forget about that. Like alright imagine the acting was horrible in that film? It would just be two guys banging in secrecy for 2 and a half hours. I would watch a Tom Cruise documentary if I was interested in that.

You guys def thought I was throwing something gay on here. Just enjoy Jake Gyllenhaal as bubble boy.(terrible film)

Most Underrated Movie- Lords of Dogtown

This movie is a solid flick, but everyone can agree Heaths performance as drunken skating revolutionary Skip Engbloom is spot on according to Engblooms filthy hippy friends. I feel like that's gotta be a sweet role to take on. Yeah Heath we need you to move to California smoke weed and be a drunken guy who likes to surf. Sign me up. But seriously anyone who hasn't seen this movie or his performance in it needs to check it out. Even if you dont like skating or surfing you wont get a better taste of the California lifestyle in the 70's without watching this.

We're so punk rock that we climb fences. Hang loose bro

Kurt Cobain Was Supposed To Be In Pulp Fiction. Tarantino Narrowly Avoids A Catastrophic Disaster

A recent report was circling the internet saying that in Pulp Fiction the guy who sells John Travolta (Vincent Vega) heroin was supposed to be cast by none other than the King of Grunge and the role model of all angst ridden emos Kurt Cobain. Although now looking back everyone is probably thinking wow that would've been bananas! I'm here to actually tell you that this could have torpedoed the movie and pushed an already deeply disturbed man in Quentin Tarantino over the edge.

• For one thing, how about the balls on Tarantino deciding that it would be a good idea to ask one of the most famous heroin addicts in history if he wants to be a heroin dealer in his movie? This is honestly like if the director of Schindler's list asked Adolf Hitler if he would be interested in being in the movie.  Hey Kurt I hear your heroin addiction is crippling your life and destroying your family! Wanna play a heroin dealer in my movie? Then again I don't know if I should question the mental wellness of a guy who poses for pictures like these
  
  

Remember Pigeonman from Hey Arnold? Man that guy had issues

• OK lets say he cast Kurt as the heroin dealer, how do you make him show up on time for scenes and make sure hes not stoned as hell. I mean would he bring in his own heroin for the scenes hes shooting? How would that work I mean I guess it would save some money for props. Like "Hey Quentin we need that fake Heroin for the upcoming scene"  "Don't worry about it dude Kurts bringing in a half pound of blue magic"
  

This guy looks like he'd take a role really seriously. 

I felt obligated to put this scene in since we're talking about Pulp Fiction. Really goes under the radar that big Sam went with Jerry curls in this movie. Pretty much an angry, black oppressed version of Cosmo Kramer

• PS: Imagine Kurt Cobain and Samuel L Jackson in the same room together?  That's a Chapelle Show skit just begging to be created. Black guys and Nirvana going together like lamb and tunafish since day one.
  

Jared Leto: International Moviestar, Music Star and Vampire?

For a guy who is a multiplatinum music artist oscar winner and potential father of daenerys targarians unborn children Jared Leto really does not get the appreciation he deserves in hollywood. Is that because hes one of those weirdo fucking vegetarian guys whose probably the closest real life person you can get to owen wilson in meet the parents? Probably, but I really think that its ridiculous how little recognition this guy gets

• Requiem for a dream is a fucking wacky ass movie if you havent seen it watch it and get ready to not only appreciate how j leets transforms himself into a strung out heroin junkie, but also develop a real admiration for the size and bodaciousness of a young Jennifer Connolys tits.

• Dallas Buyers Club not only turned the king of Rom Coms into an oscar winner, but Jay Jay also turned in an oscar performance as well.  He managed to eek out Michael Fassbender in 12 years a Slave and an extremely Jewish Jonah Hill in the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh yeah he also did it by playing a transgender man whose dying of aids. 

Better looking than courtney love?

• And as if being an awesome actor wasn't enough, this mother fucker has the audacity to start a god damn band with his brother on the drums. Im too fucking lazy to walk my dog in my spare time, and this piece of shit starts a multi platinum selling band. The kill is gay as fuck but I love it
  

I also think this guy just trys to wear eyeliner in any situation he can. Like oh were shooting a music video better throw on some guyliner

• If all of this bullshit wasnt enough, Im trying to generate some heat on a conspiracy theory that hes actually a vampire. Because hes so underrated it really gets thrown under the rug that this son of a bitch hasnt aged in like 15 years. But im onto you motherfucer

Like what the fuck is going on here? Does this guy bathe in the blood of virgins or does he sacrifice to Cthulu? 

• Wait but it gets even better. This lucky guy also gets to (allegedly) bang Daenerys Targarian from the Game of Thrones Series.  Ok whatever you can be rich and handsome and famous but now your telling me you also get to bang khaleesi cmon man. This video is pretty much Jared being like I have not seen your show I recognize what a baller I am but I will still allow you to sleep with me.  The fucking father of dragons. I wouldnt be surprised if he watched the show and forced her to bleach her hair blonde permanently just because it pleases him.

It wouldnt shock me if he demanded he be written into Game of thrones and just usurped the Iron Throne no questions asked. Like ah shit Jared of house Leto is here guess we better bend the knee

Hey Jared if your reading this fuck you but more importantly keep doing you