Varsity Blues

I've been a big fan of Varsity Blues for quite some time. I'm not saying it's an incredible film, I' just saying I'm a fan. It's corny, over dramatic, a bit sloppy and awkward, yet it's still awesome. Varsity Blues has been on showtime/starz/hbo about 6 times a day for the last week and I've watched it every time I've seen it on, thus giving me the inspiration to write this blog.

(From left to right: Tweeder, Billy Bob, Kilmer, Lance, Mox, and 

insignificant-to-this-blog black guy)

Varsity Blues is a movie about a town down south obsessed with their high school football team, so obsessed that the players are above the law and the coach will do anything to win. When watching this movie you see the main character, Mox (short for Moxon), trying to be a normal kid and have a good time during his remaining years in high school, while he and his friends are over pressured by their coach, Kilmer, to win at all cost. When the starting QB, Lance, blows out his knee Mox gets the "chance of a lifetime" to step in and show he's no joke. But he doesn't give a fuck. He's like a less extreme Alex Moran, he's got the raw talent but doesn't care enough to do anything with it. Though generally a serious movie, the comedic relief of Tweeder and Billy Bob will having you laughing at the screen. Now I'm not fucking stupid, when watching a movie, especially alone, no one fucking laughs at the screen, but humor me here (pun intended). Tweeder is a person who, at one point in a man's life will strive to be. Watch the movie and see what I mean.

Varsity Blues is no "Miracle", but it's also no "Mighty Ducks". It probably sits right in the middle of the two. Overall, I can't give it a great grade due to pretty poor acting and ridiculous dialogue. But it's definitely a movie most people will love. Hopefully that makes some sense.

Magnum Reviews: 7/10

*Note* There are tits in this film (NSFW)

Requiem For A Dream: A One And Done

I know Jared Leto is Tommyboy's thing, but "Requiem For A dream" is the most recent movie I've watched and Tommyboy hasn't pulled the trigger on this blog yet so I'm cut in front of him. That's right, fuck you Tom. The truth is I spent a 100 or so painful minutes feeling terrible for our four main characters, who against all my might I felt incredibly sympathetic for despite the fact that everything bad that happened to them throughout the movie was brought upon them by themselves. Requiem for a Dream is a phenomenal film about drug addiction that is so bad that all hell breaks loose. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Ellen Burstyn, and to my surprise, Marlon Wayans all make you love the characters one would normally hate: junkies so desperate for their next fix they'll suck dick and cut off their own limbs just to get high one more time. Now obviously that's a slight exaggeration but you get my point. Watch the movie and you'll know exactly what they'll do for heroin.

Going into this movie my biggest concern was Marlon Wayans. I didn't doubt his acting ability, I doubted my ability to take the man serious. I mean come on, the man played shorty in the scary movies for God's sake. But fuck me I was wrong. In a movie like this, I had no problem taking him seriously, no problem at all.

The cinematography was also brilliant. A little strange and fast paced, it almost had a "Snatch" feel to it. For example every time our characters would lift off there would almost be a sped up drug/partying montage that would glue your eyes to the screen as our characters' mainlined heroin and eyes dilated to and from the size of bowling balls.

Best of all, I was satisfied with the ending. It was a great ending. A shitty ending can completely ruin a good movie, no two ways about that. We all remember the "Law Abiding Citizen" incident of 2009. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I promise I'll write about it eventually. And if I don't, maybe my good friend Will will actually get his head out of his ass, sign onto the site, and do it for me because I know Will knows how "Law Abiding Citizen" should have ended.

In the end, this movie is a one and done for me. Don't get me wrong, this movie was awesome, but I just can't let my delicate eyes watch something as disturbing as the 'ass to ass' scene ever again. I'd recommend this movie to anyone once, and only once.

Magnum Reviews: 9.4/10

Note: The term "Lift off", which means to get high on heroin, I'm going to start using on a daily basis. I love it.

Armageddon

Perhaps one of my favorite movies, Armageddon is an emotional roller coaster where one minute I'm laughing my balls off and the next minute I'm crying like my goldfish died. The movie is about a meteor about to hit the Earth and the only way to stop it is to nuke it, so NASA sends a bunch of non-astronaut rough necks who work on an oil rig up to space to drill a hole and drop the nuke in. Sounds pretty lame, right? You are right though, it does sound pretty lame. But it's not lame. It's pretty fucking wild. If you can't get behind the concept at least get behind the star studded cast which includes:

• Bruce Willis (The badass oil rig boss)
• Billy Bob Thornton (The NASA employee who's pretty cool unlike the douchebag government men)
• Ben Affleck (Banging Bruce Willis's daughter and also Bruce Willis's 2nd in command, very controversial)
• Liv Tyler (Bruce Willis's daughter who gets plowed out by Big Ben Affleck)
• Will Patton (Typical Patton role: Main characters best friend, not quite in the spotlight but not easily forgotten)
• Steve Buscemi (Hilarious genius who bang's anything that moves)
• William Fitchner (NASA astronaut)
• Owen Wilson (Hick)
• Michael Clark Duncan (Jacked black guy, every movie needs a jacked black guy)

Every name there is an everyday household name without question. If your not talking about crazy eyes over morning coffee then what are you talking about? Jacked black guys real life unfortunate death? Ben Affleck as the new batman? The fat guy yelling "Yoast!" at Will Patton in Remember the Titans? How about the intense volleyball game in Meet The Parents? YA GOTTA SPIKE THOSE FOCKER! That's what I thought. Every name is indeed an everyday household name and they were all thrown into one suicide mission film with "Certainty of death, small chance of success," so, "What are we waiting for?"

On a more serious note, this movie falls into the classic storyline of the good guys having to prevail against all odds to save the world, which generally is too cliche for my liking. Even though at times it's quite unrealistic and over dramatic, Armageddon has hilarious one liners, excellent tear-jerking speeches, and incredible overall character and total movie development that turns this movie into an instant classic. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone.

By the way, I hope you guys know that the "Certainty of death..." quote is by Gimli in LOTR, not by any characters in Armageddon.

Liv Tyler pics: 1 2 3 4 5
Note: Liv Tyler is the real life daughter of Steve Tyler of Aerosmith. Liv Tyler is the daughter of Steve Tyler, Bruce Willis, and Elron fron LOTR. She's 1/3 rock and roll, 1/3 badass, and 1/3 elf. I wouldn't fuck with her if I was you.

*Update*
Liv Tyler was married to Royston Langdon for a little while? How the fuck did he land a chick like her?

Tuesday Is Humpday When You're Off On Friday

I'll write this in response to Andres Brustacus "Humpday Spotlight: Ashton Kutcher"

I wont beat around the bush. Ashton Kutcher sucks. Everything about him sucks. On a good day he's a disappointing Sean William Scott knockoff and on every other day he's a skid mark on Hollywood's underwear. It is beyond me how he is still getting jobs. And yes, that was a pun relating to his role as Steve Jobs, who is probably slitting his wrists in his grave knowing who the loser is who is defining his life in his movie. I guarantee Steve Jobs would prefer Peter Dinklage to play him, not taking shots at the incredible actor that Dinklage is, but rather to show that a midget would be a more convincing portrayal of Jobs than Ashton Kutcher. Now I've never seen "Jobs" so it could be a phenomenal film, but knowing Kutcher has the main role I can assume the movie will be as big a disappointment as the rest of his career. I'll give you guys a breakdown that not only ruins Brustacus's credibility but opens your eyes to the shit that spews out of every pore of Kutcher's body.

New Years Eve: Kutcher plays himself, which is a miserable hipster. In the movie he is trapped in an elevator in his pajama's so self absorbed that he refuses to befriend or acknowledge the chick in the elevator. Now her facial features (nose, mouth, eyes, etc) are significantly too big for the rest of her face, but other than that I wouldn't deny her the fuck she was begging for. Now I know that was his character and not him persay but I feel that portion of the story consisted of the worst acting performance of the movie.

Two and a Half Men: This is where Brustacus contradicts himself. He put Charlie Sheen on his fab 5 team then immediately stabs him in the back by praising Kutcher. It's clear that the show is about two and a half times worse with Kutcher instead of Sheen. No brainer there. Sheen was a dry humor, sarcastic mastermind and Kutcher is a boring fuck.

What Happen's in Vegas: A Keanu Reeves performance carried by the gorgeous Cameron Diez. Simple as that.

Dude, Where's My Car?: Entertaining but entertaining in a "Scary movie"/"Date Movie"/ any type of parody movie kind of way. Any actor could have played his part and it would have been the same exact movie.

That's 70's Show: I don't know the show well. I hate the 70's, I hate Kutcher, and therefore, I hate the show. I assume the only actual comedy from the show comes from the Dad or Grandpa or whoever the hilarious medium old guy is.

The Butterfly Effect: Awesome movie, loved every second. Kutcher does solid. The god awful '96 Jets won one game during the 1996 season. The disgusting Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts for a few years. Aaron Boone hit a homerun against the Sox in the 2003 ALCS. Every dog has his day.

Sorry Kunis, but you have a serious case of the Julia Roberts, except your Lovett is twice the loser.
Kunis Pics: 1 2 3 4 5

*Update*
I forgot to acknowledge the title of this post. Friday we have off for the 4th of July so the days of the week get pushed forward. Monday becomes Tuesday, Tuesday becomes Wednesday, and so on and so on. Therefore, Tuesday is Humpday, end of story.

I'm Not There

After finishing my Heath Ledger post last night then rereading it and publishing it this morning, I made a huge discovery: There is seriously something wrong with Bob Dylan. He's a saucy, spaced out, wack job who chain smokes, sings about nothing, enjoys getting boo'd, talks in circles, and just generally has no idea what's going on. And, like most of the world, I love him for it. I mean the man (if he really is a man) is responsible for arguably the best song of all time, and ranked by Rolling Stones as the second best artist to ever live, seconding only the Beatles. Now I question his manhood not because I think he's not masculine, but because he had a woman actor portray him at one point in his unique biographical film "I'm Not There." Now if anyone else besides Bob Dylan had a woman play his part, they'd most likely be a raging pussy. If there was a movie about Bono and had Uma Thurman played his part I would honestly believe that Bono actually had a vagina. And that's saying something because I enjoy listening to U2 and I like Bono, even if he is a piece of shit.

Anyway, those unfamiliar with "I'm Not There" will not know that Bob Dylan is played by 6 different people in that movie. He's played by (not in this particular order):

1. A woman
2. Batman
3. A little black kid with an afro
4. An old dude with long hair
5. Heath Ledger (I will not disrespect his name)
6. A gay guy

Six actors, from both sides of the spectrum and everywhere in between. I'm not even joking. Each actor was chosen to depict how he saw himself at each point in his life. Absolute insanity that he can look back on his life and honestly believe that he was once six completely different people. If he wasn't a musical genius and a god among men he would have been lobotomized at the age of 12.

If you can handle good music, great monologues, and wacky meaningless statements give "I'm Not There" a watch. You wont regret it.

Magnum Review:

7.9/10

Note: If you're a person who only watches average action movies with no storyline because you get off to "cool" explosions and crazy firefights while Kanye sings about his hobbit wife in the background then you can blow me. This movies not for you.

Two South Park references in one post? Gotta love it.

Heath Ledger: Showing Our Respect

Heath Ledger

• A man who submerged himself so deep in the role of maniac he turned into one himself.
• A man who womanized the unwomanizable average looking chick in 10 Things I Hate About You.
• A man who made millions of people uncomfortable when he banged Jake Gyllenhaal in a tent.
• A man who was somehow able to actually be Bob Dylan, understand him, and portray him in a way that does him justice. Let it be known that this isn't easy because no one knows Bob Dylan. No one understands Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan doesn't even know how to be Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan is of a different species and he had no idea what he was saying at any point in his entire life. (It'll all make sense or not make sense if you watch "I'm Not There") 

Anyway, we're here to honor Heath Ledger, whose insanity caused solely to provide us with entertainment led to his demise. I mean you can't fully submerge yourself in the role as the joker and think you'll make it out alive, but I'm not arguing that that was one of the best acting performances I've ever seen in my life. Ledger was without question an incredible actor, and the world is a worse place without him.

Is That Bob Dylan?

Fun Fact: That Chick got plowed out by a black dude in the movie "O"

Holy Balls

The Truth About Indian Movies

Now here's the problem with America today. The majority consists of two different types of people when it comes to foreign films and I'm here to shed some light on the subject. In this case I'll be discussing Indian films.

First you have the racists, who refuse to watch movies such as "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Life of Pi" because their patriotism is so over the top that they almost make me want to jump ship and start over new in some shitty foreign land where starvation is the worst of my problems. Now don't get me wrong here. I love America, and there's no two ways about that. But when certain people refuse to watch Oscar winning films because it consists solely of curry munchers that's where I have a problem.

Almost worse then the racists are the overcompensaters. These are the people who realize racism is a problem in America, and therefore want to hand the world to minorities to a prove a point. No, you're not any better than the racists, you're still a cunt. Arguing that a solid Indian film is the best fucking movie ever created is a travesty. We need to find a middle ground.

Now I'm not going to argue I'm an expert. To be honest here I think Slumdog Millionaire and Life of Pi are the only two Indian, perhaps even the only two foreign films I've ever seen. So I'll review them.


Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Best Picture Winner

Very good movie. Well put together, only complaint is I wanted to see the kid answer a few more questions on who wants to be a millionaire. Whatever, not really a big deal. Freida Pinto is gorgeous as well which is a plus but she is so far out of Jamal's league it hurts to watch. I mean this chick is hitting balls out of the park while Jamal is sitting in right field picking daisy's begging his dad to let him quit and join the ballet. No way this movie is better than The Dark Knight though, which also came out in 2008. Overall rank 8.7/10

Pinto Pics: 1 2 3


Life of Pi (2012)


Call me a terrorist, but I enjoyed this movie more than Argo. I wouldn't say it's better than Argo, but maybe the kid in me loved all the cool colors, flying fish, and all the other wacky shit Life of Pi had to offer. I mean come on, a man eating island? What the fuck is that shit. How can I not be interested? Also I'm a sucker for a good twist ending.

No hot girls in the movie, kinda weak. Overall rank 8/10

I'd recommend both movies, both solid, both good. Oh, I have seen another Indian movie: The Kite Runner. The only thing I remember from that movie is a little kid getting ass raped and I don't know how I feel about that.

A Tribute To Peregrin Took

When considering the vast world of Middle Earth, most think of Aragorn, Gandolf, Legolas, Frodo etc. The the unsung heroes, the men who fly under the radar, and the little people are most often forgotten (pun intended). Yes, Frodo physically threw the ring into the fire and is, along with Bilbo, the most famous hobbit of all time. Yes, Aragorn did every badass thing possible throughout the entire trilogy. Yes, Gandolf fought a fucking 10 story tall fire demon known as a balrog and (arguably) survived to tell the tale. I'm not looking to take anything away from the champions of Middle Earth, just looking to add another one to the hall of fame. Pippen, often called "a fool of a Took" by gandolf, is a good ol' fashion grinder. Everything he does leads to better things, intentional or not. For example:

1. Pippen ruins Frodo's "underhill" alias at the prancing pony, and in doing so, unites Aragorn to their cause.
2. During the battle where Boromir dies, Pippen (and Merry) distract the massive army of orcs from attacking and capturing Frodo. If Frodo gets captured right there, end of story, Middle Earth dies.
3. After befriending Treebeard, Pippen tricks the ent into taking himself and Merry to the forests end near Isengard, where saruman killed many of Treebeard's friends. This leads to an army of walking trees that fucks up the stronghold of the second most powerful man in the world, ending his threat to the ring destroying cause.
4. Arguably the most important thing Pippen does is disobey Gandolf's orders and look into the orb where he sees a glimpse of Sauron's plans to attack Gondor. Without Pippen's mischievous behavior, Gondor would not receive the help and support needed, and would be in ruins.

Bonus:  Pippen pushed Faramir off the pyre, saving his life.

Second Bonus:  Pippen purposely dropped his elven broach, allowing Aragorn and crew to track him and Merry down.

Big whoop that Legolas killed an elephant, all the men on it, and then rode down his truck while it was dying. Pippen is the real hero in this story.